Crying Rain
by xepherXIII
Summary: Songfic series. Ichigo and Chad are trying to piece back the friendship they had before. But was that the only thing that had kept them apart? Ichigo X Chad. Shonen-ai


A/N: This is a songfic to Girugamesh's song 'crying rain'. This is Chad X Ichigo so if you can deal with that, then please read and enjoy.

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Ch.1 The rain keeps falling

_The rain that began to fall dissolves into the dry asphalt,_

"Stay out of it."

The words were cold. Hard. Firm. And somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew a rift had just opened between them, a huge distance, which could not be crossed so easily like all the other times, because

This time was for real.

Ichigo had on his soul reaper uniform, and Chad would've argued that point had he not been at the point of death himself only a few seconds before, because really, if it hadn't been for Ichigo, he wouldn't be standing there right now…

The tension crackling between them had shocked Chad like static and Ichigo seemed relatively unbothered in fact, maybe a bit annoyed at how Chad didn't want to listen. But—

"Go."

Those words cut at his heart.

And he ran away then, from Ichigo, and from his enemy, not intending to go back, not when he was so damn useless. He couldn't save others and worst of all he couldn't save himself. His strength he had taken so much pride in was failing him, failing Ichigo, ever since soul reapers and espadas.

Chad's hair is shielding his eyes, and he's thankful that he'd never cut it in that moment, because tears were threatening to spill over, his lungs feeling tight.

He kept running. He was sure he'd just gone past Rukia, but there was no way he was stopping, he couldn't not until, not until…what? It's not like he had anyone one go back to. Anyone to cry to. Not since his abuelo…and now not since Ichigo. He couldn't go to either now.

He couldn't remember feeling this way in such a long time, so alone, with no one to turn to, and no one to share the pain.

Chad wasn't sure what was worse. Knowing that he was extremely weak or knowing his best friend didn't need him. He felt weak. Like a handicap. Ichigo…would they be able to fight together again? After all, they had shared so much that day…

_In the chill, I wrap these hands mingling with a slight heat_

That winter day so long ago, it seems like an old film, scratchy memory fading. But it was there, they were there it had happened. The day it wasn't quite cold enough to snow but at the same time, it was still freezing.

It had been warm at the same time, in a way.

_Not showing my tears, I walk, a martyr for something,_

And he remembered what they'd told each other that day that they'd never told anyone else, because it was between them alone, their shared scars, and their sad stories. Their secret. But the thing he remembered most was,

The tears.

_Even if the outcome may be that, I betray you_

Was he really nothing but a liability now? They'd been so close. To what? To what? No, he knew they'd been close…to each other. Their hearts were. Beating fast, and their feelings, coming down like the cold rain of reality, of dreams. All in that one day.

Chad finally stopped when he reached Urahara's, one of Orihime's fairies healing the wound on his chest. He got lost in the past, the rain that was so much like snow…

Ichigo's hand had been so cold but when he'd placed it on his chest, just to make sure he was real, it had felt so warm, so comforting. And Ichigo hadn't pulled away; he got closer instead, because he could feel the proof of life in the palm of his hand.

They'd held each other and cried, cried for each other, cried for their weakness. They'd cried for everything that had ever caused them pain.

Chad cherished Ichigo's tears, knowing the boy could never cry too easily because he had so much pride, so much stubbornness, and a way of hiding his feelings from others.

Where some thought he was easy to decipher, Chad knew they were wrong. They had no idea what Ichigo really went through, how much he was willing to sacrifice for anyone he could save.

He was such an amazing person, so selfless, so like—

The way Chad always wished he could be. The way his abuelo had been.

_But you know, it can be changed so that until I abandon hope, just like this_

Chad can remember the promises they'd made to each other, saying they'd always share everything, and how wonderful that had felt but now, now—

_I'll always dream the same dream with you…_

It was like they were walking on two different paths. Ichigo was a soul reaper, and he, he was, well something else. There was no way to change that.

_The repeating days soak us,_  
_even the place we pictured on that day,_

Chad closed his eyes after the little fairy left and leaned against the wall. The thing they had shared the tears, and the smiles, was a warm memory, frail and almost completely forgotten. Ichigo…

Had he really meant what he said?

_The nighttime downpour keeps thundering on and on_  
_and the night cries, cries*_

Outside it's stormy now. He can feel the reiatsu of the shinigami as they fight. He can feel Ichigo's and when he feels it drop dangerously low he bolts up and he wants to help—

"Stay out of it."

And he knows he has too.

Somewhere along the way, his admiration for his friend and had turned to feelings of just normal camaraderie, to friendship, to love.

He couldn't go against what Ichigo said.

So he stays out of it. Because he has to.

_The rain that began to fall put the scent of soil on the wind,_  
_my face reflects in a tepidly gathering puddle_

Ichigo was feeling terrible, to say the least, but it was more than just physical pain that's hurting him, it's…Chad. He lay down as they healed him, deeply regretting what he had said. How could he have been so insensitive to his friend's feelings? And he closed his eyes, unable to think of anything or anyone else.

He was weak too. It had taken Grimmjow to show him that, but what right did he have to say something like that? Damnit, he could just be so stupid sometimes couldn't he?

How many times had he lied to Chad now? About how he was feeling and what he was afraid of. In the end, even after their promise he hadn't told Chad anything.

Not about his inner demon, or his nightmares or anything.

_Is it fine this way? Although there's only one answer,_  
_this is the conclusion that my gave rise to my worries, so please don't ask me anymore_

Ichigo felt the guilt well up inside him. He starts hating himself then, his indecisiveness, his habit of pushing anyone and everyone away especially Chad.

But at the same time, he feels more like he's hiding himself. He doesn't want Chad to see the sad state he's in. He doesn't want Chad to feel any different about him.

In the end, he's just, protecting himself.

_If I blame myself, will my feelings become a little easier?_  
_You see, I'm always just playing the victim_

Chad probably thought of himself as weak. But that wasn't true at all; he was so much stronger than himself—

He always had been. Ichigo decided: It was all his fault.

It had to have been. He was the weakest out of everyone; the one's whose ass always needed to be saved. By Rukia, by Orihime, by Yoruichi, Urahara—

Why couldn't he save himself anymore? He had he become so damn weak? And when had he stopped…leaning on Chad, the strong man he'd come to admire and know. There was such a huge difference between them, so much that Ichigo was ashamed of his own weakness.

So yes, he'd keep blaming himself, and only himself, as long as he needed to, as long as it took for this guilt to just go away…he only ever thought about himself.

Even if we walk and smile at one another, glossing things over,  
the rain washes everything away,

He was so selfish, unable to admit his own weaknesses. Oh wait, he just did, but it wasn't like that made his situation any better.

He'd pushed Chad away ever since the day they'd made that promise, actually, because there was no way he'd let Chad see how he unstable he was.

How he always felt like he was standing on the edge of an inverted world.

How easy would it be to just give up and fall down?

_The day you announced our separation, in truth I was crying_  
_Dissolve this lie of a smile_

Ichigo felt tears welling up. He'd been the one to pull away first—the one to run to Chad first. He was weak so weak, so weak…

_continuing to hesitate, continuing to worry,_

His stupid pride had gotten in the way so many times. He had to ruin everything didn't he? Chad wasn't the pathetic one, no never…but he was.

_I think I can become stronger_

And so he has to change that, he decides. Because his secrets are hurting Chad in ways he doesn't even know. And like his dad said, when you…when you love someone, you…have to put them first and focus less on your feelings…and yourself.

_Continuing to hesitate, continuing to worry,_  
_so until the day I can smile at such days_

Ichigo felt more like his old self, eyes on a target, goal in his mind. He wouldn't let Chad down. He wouldn't let himself down.

Tears are stinging at his eyes, and he's pretty sure he's sleeping. (When he's awake, he never has this much time to himself.)

To him, the tears are liberating because it's like he's found himself again.

He wouldn't lose this time.

_Feelings I can't completely throw away slowly cutting off my breaths,_  
_I shut my eyes and exhale,_

Ichigo knows he won't be able to patch things up right away, that it'll take awhile, and it will most likely be a long time before they can build their relationship back up again.

When a building's torn from the base, you rebuild it. Make it stronger.

_Remembering that day, clenching my fists tightly,_  
_wishing for tomorrow_

The base that they had started that relationship was fragile, based on the tender emotions of sadness and sorrow…

Neither of them had really put enough into it. Saying they'd confide in each, other was easy but it ended up being the hardest part.

They were both male, and their stupid male habits prevented them from admitting their faults. But maybe if they did, it would make them stronger.

_The repeating days soak us,_  
_even the place we pictured on that day,_

Ichigo opened his eyes to look out at the rain, wondering when he'd see scenery like this again. He was wondering when he'd see something like that again, his life was a never-ending stream of combat, it seemed. He could never catch a break for long.

_The nighttime downpour keeps thundering on and on_  
_and the night cries, cries_

He wondered where Chad was right now, what he was doing, how he was feeling.

'Hey Chad? Are you crying right now?

I know I am.'

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End notes: This was fun to write. Please tell me what you think. And since this is a songfic series, feel free to suggest any songs (japanese or english but I'd really like Girugamesh) you'd like to see. Chad and Ichigo will get together! They just need to put the pieces back in place. It'll happen (Eventually...*evil laugh*)


End file.
